For a guy that enjoyed having casual sex with several women a week if I was lucky, I wasn’t much of a partier. I was more into talking to people one-on-one, and seeing where things went from there. Even if I was looking for someone to share a bed with for the night, trying to put the moves on someone in any kind of public setting felt weirdly wrong. Almost disrespectful. It was super clear that a party wasn’t my type of atmosphere, even before I wound up going with Molly.

Well, ‘going with Molly.’ It didn’t really count as going with her, seeing as she had no idea I was there. One side of me knew that I couldn’t reveal myself. Even with the amount of time that had passed, I couldn’t just re-inject myself back into her life. But at the same time… I had to protect her. Yes, I could protect her from myself, but that didn’t mean there weren’t other things she needed protection from too.

Probably most of those things co-existed together perfectly in the atmosphere of a party. When I got there, it was like I was hit in the face with a wall of everything. The sound, the people, the lack of space, everything. I had to shove my way through people to get to the less populated areas. Luckily for me, I wasn’t a partying type, so very few people recognized me, and fewer still made any kind of motion in my direction. Once or twice, a girl I had slept with locked eyes with me. The most any of them did was raise their eyebrows and smile a little.

That was a past life now. Ever since the winter, I couldn’t bring myself to resume my old lifestyle. I just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t just Holly I broke things off with – it was every one of them. Truth be told, there weren’t too many left. A weird truth I only myself realized about the casual sex world is that no one stays in it for too long, and if you have stayed there for long, you were usually the type that others would avoid. Some came and went because they got new boyfriends or girlfriends, some left because of a change of heart, some just left the area because they couldn’t get tied down to anything. But everyone left. I guess I was leaving too.

I needed a hobby or something. This new ground I had found wasn’t exactly an improvement. I went from sleeping around to following my own housemate when she left for a party. That said, at least I was thinking of her feelings for a change. If nothing else, this was me atoning for my past sins. It couldn’t cleanse a lifetime of sin, but perhaps it could cleanse the last few months.

That said, I wasn’t going to atone for anything by just being at the same party Molly attended, and it didn’t help matters that I couldn’t find her anywhere. I had checked the less populated areas first – the kitchen, the backyard, the basement, even the ‘introvert room,’ so named for the backwards-minded people who insisted on going to parties but also didn’t want to be around people. Frankly, as soon as I saw this party had one such room, I would have bet my last dime she’d be in that room. If I hadn’t made sure, I would have guessed she hadn’t even left the house to come here in the first place.

As time went on, the inevitable struck me. Molly wasn’t in the populated rooms, and I didn’t see her leave. Which meant either she vanished into thin air, or she was behind one of the closed doors. Private rooms. Which meant one type of thing was happening, and knowing Molly, I couldn’t be sure how comfortable she’d be with the fact it was happening.

I reduced myself to asking around, seeing if anyone even knew who Molly was. “Hey, have you seen Molly around? Molly Sharpton? I’m her ride home.” Little things that wouldn’t raise suspicion, at least not the suspicion of others. I had to admit, over time, I was getting pretty suspicious myself, and just decided to go for it. I listened at doors, and opened every door I could find. Most of the time I just found couples making out, people trying weed, or just people enjoying one-on-one ‘life chats.’

I don’t know what the fuck I was expecting when I would find Molly. I just knew that I was on autopilot. I sure as hell wasn’t expecting her to fall into my arms and forgive me for everything, but I also wasn’t expecting a reward. I just wanted to protect her. When I did end up fighting her, I got two very rude awakenings. Number one, she was on top of some guy, her top still on but clearly wearing very little else, under the covers so no one bursting in could see them, with her riding him for all she was worth. I had never seen Molly like that before, but it only took the microsecond before the guy she was riding saw me that I could see the bottles strewn across the place. I had never known Molly to drink, but clearly she had been drinking, a fair amount judging by her uncharacteristically sloppy and jagged movements.

Molly was having sex. Molly was having sex with someone other than me. Which was… understandable, but it reminded me of my inferiority, how I fucked up, how easily replaceable I was. It would be a lie to also say I viewed Molly as the type to have sex with… well, anyone. Which made what I did more suspect, sure, but it made me hate the guy she was riding all the more. How’d he do this, what lies did he tell her?

The second rude awakening came when I saw the guy’s face. Who else would it be? Captain Suave from first semester. Carson or whatever the fuck his name was. He never stopped trying. I backed off after it was clear that Molly didn’t want what was happening. That was the difference between us two, and now it looked like the heartless persistence had persevered. Even still, upon seeing me, as if I was the one in the wrong, Carson immediately snapped to attention and started waving me off. “Yo, shut the fucking door! Shut the door!” he repeated, using a hand to swat away at me from afar. “Babe, just stay where you are.” he told Molly. Molly froze, not daring to look forward, and in that moment, I realized how lucky I was that she wasn’t looking at me. If she saw me, saw what I was doing, she wouldn’t forgive me for still keeping this up. Carson wasn’t the villain. I just had an ability to move on.

Of course, I was realizing this while staying frozen like a dumbass. Eventually I regained myself as Carson and now Molly were telling me repeatedly to leave, with Molly not even knowing who I was. Like a zombie, I backed away a couple of steps and gingerly shut the door.

Who the fuck was Molly? I didn’t know anymore. Not shy, having sex with some guy (and it felt creepy to admit it, but I knew for a fact she considered herself single, without a partner) while high and possibly drunk. I had let her slip between my fingers like sand, and now it was clear I had lost her.

No, I couldn’t accept that. I was fighting this whole time. I had accepted Molly wasn’t mine to have. Nor anyone’s. So who the fuck was this guy? Clearly she still needed protecting if other guys were just going to swoop in and try to scoop her up. At least I was taking responsibility for my actions.

I stumbled over to a couch and sat down, sighing heavily. Like a movie, people were passing by me in fast-motion, their silhouettes becoming blurs as they all moved around me. I sat, motionless, looking at the floor, probably just looking like someone who had partied a bit too hard and was now taking it easy.

A few times someone would sit down next to me on the couch, for their own reasons. I gave them a quick glance before my gaze fell again to the floor, my mind in a flurry. At one point, I couldn’t quite remember when, I looked up at the person sitting down next to me and froze on the spot. Red hair. A distrusting but all-the-same concerned face. Molly.

She was evidently still under some sort of influence, but she wasn’t blackout drunk. She could still think coherently, or so it seemed. “What are you doing here?” she simply asked. I was amazed I could hear her small voice over the room.

I shrugged, wanting to disappear from this situation entirely. “Would you like the answer if I gave it to you?”

Her look of concern didn’t vanish. “Do you think you’re taking care of me?”

“No.” I answered honestly. “But I think I’m looking after you.”

“I don’t see the difference, Aaron.”

“One is a lot more selfish than the other.” I replied, chuckling in my honesty. “I’m not very good at giving you space.”

“I can see that.” she replied a little coldly.

“It’s my overthinking.” I tried to explain as plainly as possible. “If I hear you’re going out to a party, my mind immediately jumps to the worst-case scenario, and I’m worried. So this is a way of calming myself down. I know you hate me, but I couldn’t bear what would happen if something happened to you.”

“Please stop being so dramatic.” Molly huffed. “I don’t hate you. I just don’t like being around you. I have every reason to feel that way. I get you’re worried, but I want to be able to live my life. That means the opportunity for failure, or getting hurt. If you hurt me and now you want to make sure I never get hurt again, not only are you not letting me live my life, but the only hurt I’m going to feel is from you.” She chuckled, the first time I saw any kind of happy emotion from her since I caught her having sex. “If you want to think selfish, let me get hurt on my own terms. That way I won’t associate hurt with you and you alone.”

I nodded grimly, returning my gaze to the floor. “I get that. Like, realistically. Emotionally, I probably am not going to understand that for a while.”

“Well, write it down or something. I’m going to be way less patient with you next time.”

“There shouldn’t be a next time.” I rebutted, and returned my gaze to her. We half-smiled at each other. “Are you happy?”

“What?”

“Just, in general. These days. I never got the chance to ask you. Are you doing well, are you happy?”

“Of course I’m not.” It was her turn to break her gaze away from me. “I have moments, but yeah, no, I’m not.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” was all I could think to say.

“It’s not like I was happy when you had your way with me either.” she added, stinging me with the simplicity of her words.

“Yeah.” I croaked. “I’m sorry for that too.” Neither of us said anything for a while, even as we locked eyes again twice, the second time being much more awkward than the first. Internally, I was begging myself not to say anything stupid, but the silence in a sea of noise eventually got to me. “Can I ask a stupid, selfish question?”

“I guess.” she replied flatly.

“Did I actually mean a lot to you? I mean, I get the feelings weren’t mutual, but even just as a friend.”

“Aaron, that’s a stupid question.” she replied dismissively.

“I know. I already said that.” I shrugged.

“You’re just looking for validation.” she continued.

“I said that too. Selfish. I just need to hear it.”

“Why should I give that to you?” she asked me, her eyebrows lowered.

“There is no ‘should.’ You don’t have to. I’m asking. The option to not answer is there.”

She kept her angry gaze on me for a fair while, opening her mouth several times to speak then slowly closing it. Finally, she sighed. “Yes, of course you did.” she began. “You were just about the only guy I could trust. I trusted you even more than Chris, and that’s saying something. I guess one of the nice things about… whatever the fuck happened… and I guess it’s the only nice thing that happened, but Chris and I got a lot closer and he’s a terrific guy.”

“I’m glad.” I interjected supportively. “He seems like it.”

“Yeah. But anyways, you did mean a lot to me. I could actually believe you were different, or that you had my best interests at heart or something. Nope. How do you think it felt to learn I was violated like that? Even taking the actual violation out of the picture.”

“It felt like your whole world fell apart?” I guessed.

“Something like that. Betrayal. That hurt more than anything. You should have just told me after the first night. Even telling me you sexually assaulted me would have been better than finding out the hard way.”

“I did tell you.” I pointed out.

Molly gave me a ‘don’t you dare’ look, one I had never seen from her before. It sent chills down my spine. “I know that Chris made you. Do not try to take credit for that.”

“Sorry, I should have contextualized that.” I admitted.

“No. You were trying to make things seem better than they were. You were trying to make yourself look good. Do not do that with me.” she asserted herself.

“Okay, okay.” I backed down defensively.

“So now I’m looking for comfort any way I can. Yeah, I drink. I’m having sex with Carson now. I go to parties. I’m looking after myself in the way I want to. And now you’re trying to stop me?”

“Watch over you.” I clarified, still defensive. “I’m worried.”

“Well, stop worrying. I’m fine.”

“Good. Genuinely, that’s good. Again, it’s gonna take me a bit of time to stop being weird, but that’s on me. I’ll fix it in time.” Silence filled the air. “You seem less shy. Is anxiety less of a thing for you these days?”

“More than ever, it’s still here.” she clarified.

“Really? It seems like you handle your anxiety way better these days.”

“Thanks. It’s an act. I’ve just gotten better at acting.” she replied. “I’m just kind of scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of everything. I just need time to figure out who I am and get back on my feet. It’s not even just you, everything has been hitting me lately.”

“Yeah?” I asked, feeling concern build up again. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

“I didn’t mean now, I just meant sometime.”

“I know, the answer is still no.” she replied.

“Gotcha.” I accepted defeat. “Well, for the record, thank you for having this conversation with me.”

She shrugged. “We’re still housemates. I’m under no obligation to forgive you, but we both know I’m probably too forgiving for my own good anyways.” I nodded in agreement. “Just please, please, if you have a moral bone left in you, don’t ever do what you did to me ever again.”

“If my word means anything to you, I promise.” I nodded.

“Thanks.” she stood up. “I left Carson in his room. I’m going to go find him. Please go home. It would mean a lot to me.” Without leaving me any room to reply, just like that, she was gone, disappearing into the crowd. I sighed and scratched my head, thinking about… everything.

***

That was a turning point for Molly and I. After that moment, we were… different. Honestly, I couldn’t articulate how. The tension between us wasn’t lifted, but it was recognized, and that gave us some kind of power over it. Now we could actually acknowledge each other’s presence in the house, even if at first we didn’t say more than a word to each other.

Over time, that word became small conversations, and from there, we were housemates. It’s not like things went back to how they were, but I couldn’t expect that to happen anyways. As the summer approached, both of us realized we were staying in the student house, and made a kind of silent agreement that we needed to become some kind of friends again or drive each other crazy. At one point, I went to her room and had a serious conversation with her about whether I should find a new place for the coming September. Molly shocked me by admitting I didn’t need to do that, and that the past should be left to the past.

Things didn’t heal though. We didn’t heal. This wasn’t like a bruise that became invisible, this wasn’t even like a cut that turned into a scar. It was like someone sawed off your leg and you learned to live with just the one. Things were still permanently different between us. Gone were our jovial conversations. Now we were ‘boring friends.’ The kind of housemates that shared conversations about nothing, and occasionally found themselves having a good time, but just out of coincidence. Besides, why would she need to connect with me? She had Carson.

Yup, Molly and Carson. Shortly after the party, they became an official thing, Facebook announcement and everything. I didn’t think the sleazeball had it in him to make the commitment. I barely saw him – Molly rarely brought him over. I wasn’t sure, but I honestly thought a big part of it was her knowing I still, somewhere, was crazy in love with her, and she took my feelings into account and didn’t want to bring him around. After all, when I did see him it would just remind me of my own inadequacy, how that led me to do what I did, how much of a monster I was, and how I didn’t deserve her even though this piece of laundry lint somehow got to be with her.

Chris and Jerome had to have known everything about us by the new school year. Both were surprised to see that I was still living with them when they came back in September. Both were staying to do their graduate studies in something or another. I really didn’t ask. I don’t think I even could have, at least in Chris’ case. At this point Chris clearly disliked me more than Molly did. When I spoke or hung out with them, he would become eerily quiet and lose his flamboyancy, and look in every direction but mine. I knew he had some frank discussions with Molly about me, and was the foremost advocate for giving me the boot. Realistically, she should have a long time ago. The ‘friendship’ I had with Molly was a corpse of the one we used to have, but the phrase ‘I didn’t deserve her’ was the understatement of the century. I was the luckiest guy in the world to still even be her friend.

She even got to talking to me again about her life. It was early October when she started, after it was clear Chris was dealing with some shit of his own. I tried to ask Chris about it, but understandably, he blew me off. From there on in, I kind of became Molly’s diary for a bit. It was clear she was holding some stuff in and Chris was unavailable for a while before she turned to me. Selfishly, I kind of enjoyed it – when she started opening up to me about her life, it was like old times. Still, I was more respectful to her feelings now, and I hoped that reflected in how I talked to her. I think it did, given she seemed appreciative of my time, even if I had to be available at a moment’s notice and it was all-too-clear if I ever tried to tell her about my life, she’d not care or change the subject. In anyone else, I’d have called that selfishness. In our unique case? Fair enough.

When she started, it was the small things – how she felt about a class or a person, or even a friend. In my trademark style, I’d talk back to her, and offer her perspectives outside of her own. Sometimes she’d quietly thank me and leave, other times she seemed to find my responses fascinating and ask me follow-up questions. The first time she gave me a shy half-smile and said, “I appreciate you,” before leaving, my heart became a mess of flutters. I was downright pathetic, but Molly was the kind of girl I felt okay feeling pathetic for, even if it was clear the feelings would never be mutual. I just liked feeling it for her at this point, she could be with someone else. I even found myself feeling okay about the fact that Carson was alive. I still felt inadequate, but they could do their thing.

There was a turning point for that, too. One day in late October I was writing up a paper when Molly burst into the room, breathing heavily, head shaking. Even her bursting into the room was unnatural – Molly always knocked. Always.

“I’m sorry.” she began flusteredly. “We need to talk. We just – we need to talk. Now.”

“Um… yeah. Of course.” I replied, moving away from my computer and standing up. “Are you okay?”

Molly gave me a look. “Stupid question, right.” I admitted, then gestured to my bed. “Sit on the bed. I’ll take the chair.”

Molly didn’t need any further invitation. Ungraciously she plopped down on the bed, put her hands in her face and started sobbing. Realistically, this was actually probably ‘resuming sobbing.’

I sat there awkwardly. I may have tried to help her out emotionally but I was never good dealing with someone who was crying. “So, um, what’s wrong?”

“Carson.” she managed to say between sobs.

This was also uncharted territory. We never brought up Carson during these conversations. She didn’t, for sure, and I was given a stern look if I ever brought him up, even as a joke. “What did he do?”

Molly stopped sobbing and looked at the floor for the longest time. “I just don’t get it.”

I chuckled. “Neither do I, because I don’t know what the fuck is going on here.”

She looked up at me, clearly not amused. “He broke up with me.”

Internally, I chuckled again. That’s it? I thought. My outer self knew better, luckily. “Oh. I’m sorry, Molly.”

“I didn’t – he wasn’t – I didn’t think he was the type.” she barely got out.

“Molly, breathe.” I instructed her. “He isn’t the type to what?”

Molly took my instructions and breathed in and out a few times. “Carson broke up with me in public. Like, the cafeteria.”

“The university one?” I asked.

She nodded. “He made this big show about how I was hopeless, how much taking care of me was. How I was making him feel like shit and depending on him too much. I was proud of the progress I was making towards becoming my own person.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “I thought he liked me more than ever, I thought he was happy with the person I was becoming. I thought I was becoming more independent, not less.”

“I’m sure you are.” I soothed her.

“You don’t know that.” she pointed out, kind of coldly. “The only reason you know stuff about me now is because I started leaning on you too.” She gestured at nothing angrily with a hand. “There we go, more dependency. Great. Just great.”

“Molly, you have a right to tell people about your problems. You don’t have to go through life alone. You’re not a burden on me. Ever. If Carson can’t deal with you while also claiming to be your partner, that’s a problem with him, not with you.”

She looked up at me. “It doesn’t matter if you say you’re not a burden on me. I’m still going to feel like that at the end of the day, to everyone. No matter what.”

“I mean, you ought to know that in our situation I’m the one that always wants you to spend time with me, and you’re the one that needs space. I think it’s clear that if anyone’s the burden here, it isn’t you.”

“Aaron, do you know what anxiety is?” Molly asked. “It doesn’t even matter that it’s you. My brain just tells me these things and I can’t avoid feeling them. Yeah, sure, I can factually say you like spending time with me, but that doesn’t erase the feeling. Nothing does, nothing will.”

“And guys like Carson don’t really help matters, huh?” I gingerly admitted.

“Yeah. They don’t.” she replied, putting her face in her hands again. “God, I was such an idiot.”

“You were not an idiot.” I replied emphatically. “Someday, you’re going to find a guy that knows how to talk to you. It’ll happen.”

Molly didn’t say anything for a while, and just held her face in her hands. Eventually, she let go of her face and looked at me. “Don’t get any ideas, any ideas from me saying this, but you’ve been really good at talking to me. Thank you.”

“I’m happy to help.” I replied with a genuine tone. Time passed, and I’ll admit, I felt like pressing my luck. “It’s been really nice getting to talk to you again like this. I’ve… missed it.”

“Yeah.” Molly replied with an uneasy tone. “I’ve missed it too.”

“Doesn’t sound like it.” I pointed out.

“I have, it’s just that things are different now. They never won’t be. Do you honestly think I don’t want to go back to the way things used to be too? The shit you pulled isn’t just something I can easily forgive.”

“I get that.” I replied.

“…’But?’” Molly pressed.

“Huh?”

“There was a ‘but’ there.”

I grimaced. “Yeah, but it’s the most selfish thing in the world to say.”

Molly shrugged. “I’m in a weird space right now. Now may as well be the time to say it.”

“You sure?” I asked.

“I don’t think there will be another time in the near future I’ll give you permission to say it.” she replied. “Go ahead.”

“I just… I know I’m never going to do that shit again. To you or anyone. I lost myself, but the event was a slap in the face. It sounds cliché as fuck to say that I’m a changed man, but… well, first off, you’re under no obligation to believe me. Secondly, that doesn’t undo what’s been done, and if you’re still emotionally hurt from that, fair enough, you know?”

“Yeah.” Molly replied quietly.

I smiled to myself. “I definitely want to go back to how things used to be. I loved spending time with you back then. I want to go back to that.”

“There’s really no point in going back to it anyways.” Molly replied. “You said it yourself. I’m a changed person. I’ve changed since then. I’m not the same person. I’m… you know. Not what you want to go back to.”

“No no, that’s not what I meant.” I replied, waving my hands in front of myself. “I just mean I want to have the connection with you I once had. I don’t want you to say the same things. But even the connection… it’s impossible, right?”

“Yeah.” Molly admitted. I knew it was, but hearing it from her stung.

Silence enveloped the air yet again, for God knows how long. “Would you settle for having another connection unlike what it used to be?”

The question caught me off guard a little, but I held my composure and shrugged. “I’m here, aren’t I? Getting to spend time with you at all has been nice.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Molly replied, slowly, almost fearfully. “Sit here.” she pointed down next to her, on the bed.

That was an unusual move. One thing that hadn’t changed about Molly was her personal space issues. “You sure?”

“I’m asking you, aren’t I?” she confirmed. Slowly, awkwardly, I stood up, walked over to the bed, and sat down beside her. Molly turned herself to look at me.

“Be honest. I get things are weird, but do you still have that crush on me?”

Ah. So that’s where this was going. I grimaced in the realization that I was going to get another talk about how it could never be. “I’m sorry.” I began. “It takes me a while to get over things, least of all you. I had a crush on you for years before last year even happened, and I’m not sure it’ll ever fully go away. I’ve been trying to put those thoughts in the back of my head, but…”

Molly nodded. “Do you want… did you ever want to…”

I was confused. There was a possibility I understood what was going on, but like hell I wanted to misread the situation. “Did I ever want to…?”

Molly looked in my eyes for a few more seconds, then broke away, quietly laughing to herself. “You’re just going to make me say it, huh?”

“I think I know what you’re aski- no, actually, never mind, I don’t.” In that moment I realized if I presumed wrongly, the consequences could be bad.

“I think you do too.” Molly replied quietly. “Yeah, it’s that.”

“But, I’m… you know…”

“You said you wanted to go back to the way things were.” Molly replied, some weird confidence I had never heard before coming out through her tone. “I thought you’d want to go back to being the one guy I could trust with something.”

“But why…?” I asked, still hiding behind the ambiguity.

“Because fuck Carson, and I want to get over him as quickly as I can, so I may as well help you with what you want too.” Molly replied simply, a mix of confidence and utter fright no doubt coursing through her.

“This seems like a really bad idea.” I replied uneasily.

“It absolutely is.” Molly replied, then gave me a small smile. “But do you want this?”

“I don’t want to hurt you. Never.”

“Pretend I want it too.” Molly replied, almost breathlessly. “And you don’t have to pretend. Do you want this?”

There was no way I was misreading the situation now. “I do want this.” I replied, my voice as breathless as her. “But why? Why this, why now?”

“Ssh.” she shushed me. “Touch me, Aaron. Please.”

This was all happening so fast. The last year played out in my mind on fast forward as I just sat there, possibly more scared than her, not knowing what to say or do. Eventually, Molly gave me a smile that told me I was being silly and took my hand in hers. All I could do was look down at that hand. It felt so good to have that hand in mine, after all this time. The warmth of her smooth, beautiful hand spilled into mine.

“We should probably… the door…” I managed. Molly smiled at the news that I wasn’t about to back out, and stood up, walking over to the door and shutting it. She turned back to me and smiled, nervously yet adventurously.

She walked back to the bed, continuing her smile, and sat down, looking expectantly at me. I nervously exhaled and brought my hand up to her chest.

“Molly, are you sure yo-”

“Yes.” she replied emphatically.

I nodded, bringing my hands to her chest and getting my first feel of her bra-covered breasts while she was conscious. I couldn’t believe what was happening, or why. Even covered, she was amazing to touch, and the first feel of my hands on her brought her eyes to a close and a contented sigh to escape her lips.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.” Molly said out loud to no one. “This is so bad of us.”

“Should I-”

“Shut up.” Molly replied with a breathless laugh. “Show me how it’s done, Aaron. I know you want to.”

As uncomfortable as I was, I was also more excited than I had ever been in my life. Accepting her words, I dove in to start kissing her neck, rewarding me with a surprised, ‘Ooh’ from Molly. I usually went for the neck first, and liked to surprise girls with my boldness. If this was really going to happen ,there was no way I was going to underdeliver for Molly.

Even though I was a tad rusty, I tried to remember every trick in the book as I caressed Molly’s beautiful body. At first I was content to go over the shirt but over time, Molly made it clear that she was enjoying this, that I was doing something good for her. I couldn’t resist being bold and going under the shirt as I continued my attack on her neck. Molly seemingly didn’t mind, nor did she mind the fact that I was most definitely leaving hickeys on her neck.

Eventually she tore me away from her neck, giving me no words as she smiled and lifted her shirt over her head. Molly had such an amazing body – sure, not a stereotypically ‘impressive’ one, but I found that any imperfections she had just made her more beautiful. She was Molly. Who could be more beautiful than that?

Smiling teasingly at me, Molly reached behind her and undid her bra. She let the bra slide down a bit in a kind of teasing way – it was clear she didn’t really know what she was doing, but the fact she was doing it definitely made the scene sexier. Eventually the bra slid all the way off. “Do you like them?” she asked, almost timidly. “I know you’ve seen them before but you never told me.”

I didn’t know whether to be stung by that reminder of the past or not. I decided to ignore it for now. “They’re beautiful, Molly. You’re beautiful.” I told her earnestly, before she grinned and gestured towards her breasts.

Her nipples stood hard and at attention, puffy and beautiful, even at their modest size. I dove right back in to her body, giving my attention to her chest this time – flicking her beautiful nipples and working my way around them with my tongue, giving a test suck and listening for her sighs, before going fully in and using my mouth for everything it was worth. Molly responded by sharply inhaling and giving a faint, “Haaa” while supporting the back of my head. As I kept going, the ‘haa’s increased, both in quantity and intensity. The more I got Molly going, the more erratic they’d become – it was like of a hesitant laughter and erratic breathing. It was really clear Molly was very pent up and very horny, and I found myself enjoying what I was now going to coin as her sex-laugh.

After a few minutes of giving her nipples my attention, Molly pushed me off of her again and looked at me for a couple seconds. “Fuck it.” she announced, almost to herself, as she stood up. “I need this, I need you. Get your pants off.”

Even in my dreamland-like state, I knew this was moving a bit fast. “Don’t you thi-”

“Please, Aaron.” Molly practically begged. “Just trust me, okay? Trust.”

“Okay. Trust.” I replied as I stood up and began taking off my own clothes. I had done this a million times before, and yet still, I couldn’t say why I was so nervous, so worried if Molly didn’t like what she saw.

When my dick sprang into view, hard as steel and standing at attention, her eyes flared in interest. “Oh, wow.” was all she mumbled. She stopped disrobing herself to look at me for a few seconds, before biting her lower lip and looking up into my eyes, her smile widening. “Let’s cut to the chase.” she told me excitedly as she took off the last of her clothes and fell down onto my bed.

“Is this fucking real?” I mumbled out loud. Even just yesterday Molly would have never wanted to do this, with me and I thought with anyone else, ever. Part of me wondered if maybe I was the one dreaming, or if I had deluded myself into her believing she wanted this or something.

“Aaron, we can talk about this later. For now… please?” she asked me with a practically pained expression. “I just need this. Please.”

Shaking my head in resignation, I walked over to Molly, my dick in my hand. “If this is what you want.” I replied.

“It is. Give it to me. It’s okay.” she reassured me.

“Okay.” I replied, getting on top of her and guiding myself towards her entrance. I smiled at her. “Last call.” I cheesily told her.

Molly giggled. “Just put it in, idiot.”

I laughed back at her and pushed myself inside her. The first few seconds of being inside her felt indescribable. I mean, I was dry and not exactly small, and Molly wasn’t exactly an easy fit, but she was definitely wet from earlier so that helped. But still, even just knowing I was inside the love of my life felt like nothing I had felt before. Fireworks of pure bliss were going off inside my head. “Oh my God, Molly, I love you so much, I can’t believe we’re doing this…” I babbled on.

Molly said nothing and just smiled through gritted teeth, adjusting to me as she took more of me in with each attempt to slide in. “Ow.” she eventually let one slip. “You’re bigger than I expected.”

“So I’ve been told.” I replied suavely. “Are you alright?”

I’ll just need a bit to adjust if that’s okay.” she told me. For a bit I just made microscopic advancements inside her, with her uneasily breathing until I was in far enough to start pumping back and forth. “Are you good to go?” I asked her.

“Yes.” she practically whispered.

“Alright then.” I smiled at her as I began to move my hips, slightly at first, then pull myself out, then back in. Within a few seconds, I was building up a good rhythm. Maybe half a minute later, I was surprising myself with the level of ferocity I was using to fuck the living daylights out of my own sweet Molly.

Molly’s sex-laugh returned in full force as she drank in every ounce of pleasure I gave her. “Haaa, haaa, h-hh…” I’d hear her go on and on as I continued to rail her, smiling at how cute she looked. She almost looked like she was concentrating hard on the experience. I just hoped I was giving her the ride of her life.

As I thrust myself into her, in and out, I couldn’t help but stare at her beautiful face. Her body was a work of art, but her face was divinely made. I watched as that happy glow I remembered from a year ago returned to her face – only this time she knew why. I knew why. And it was something she wanted. She wanted this, she wanted me. We were finally there, we were finally together. I couldn’t fucking believe my luck.

Over the course of my years fucking girls, I had gotten into certain habits and noticed things about myself. As I fucked Molly, two things crossed my mind. One, I was normally careful about asking girls if they were STD-free beforehand or would at least default to putting on a condom, and I couldn’t believe how intoxicating the prospect of fucking Molly was that I point-blank forgot to do any of that precaution stuff. Two, rigorous sexual outings (not to mention a lot of masturbation too) had reduced my sensitivity, but Molly was clearly not having this problem. As long as I turned things up a little, it was clear there was going to be no problem making her climax before I did, which I definitely wanted.

Using one hand to support myself, I took my other hand and put it on her mound, using my thumb to find her clit. Molly looked up at me with wonder and no doubt anticipation in her eyes, and as my thumb began to play with her clit, she gasped and her mouth remained in an ‘O’ shape as her eyes expressed such immense gratitude for me. From that point on I continued to push my full self inside her over and over, but also stimulate her clitoris and give her sensations from all angles, from all areas. Her sex-laugh was, at this point, becoming audible repeated ‘Aaaah’s that would have given us away if anyone else was on our floor.

Molly’s eyes kept fluttering closed and she kept occasionally getting louder and quieter, which happened over and over. Eventually she got louder than before and found the strength to breathe out, “Stay there, just stay inside me.” I pushed into her one final time and she ground her hips against me. She let out a long, contented sigh as she sat there, eyes closed, not saying anything for the longest time. “We gotta stop.” she finally said. “That was amazing but that was so much.”

I laughed as I pulled out of her. “The clit thing really does wonders, huh?”

“Oh my god, I had like four orgasms in a row.” Molly replied, gingerly rubbing herself. “You definitely know what you’re doing.” She looked at me bashfully and smiled. She stared at me a bit longer, with me no doubt dumbly staring back at her, before she pushed herself up to meet me and gave me a small yet tender kiss on the lips.

The feeling of another pair of lips on mine was sensational, yet terrifying. Molly saw something amiss on my face immediately after kissing me – I spent my whole life pursuing casual sex with girls, and yet somehow never had a kiss on the lips. Molly was my first kiss. ON paper, that’s a very ‘so what’ moment of realization, but in the moment, emotionally, I was freaking out.

“What’s wrong? Did I do something?” Molly asked me immediately.

“Um, so this is really stupid, but..” I egan nervously, then coughed. “I’ve never been kissed before.”

Molly gave me a sarcastic smirk like I was joking. “Yeah, okay.” she mumbled.

“No, really.” I replied.

“You told me you slept around, Aaron.” Molly pointed out. “You’re telling me you’ve always just skipped to the sex?”

“I could have begun by kissing you, couldn’t I? I guess I should rephrase. I’ve never been kissed on the lips before.”

Molly laughed out loud. “Nice.” she replied. “Well, I hope you liked your first kiss then.”

“Are you kidding? I loved it.” I replied as I lay down next to her. “This was amazing. Thank you so much. I really enjoyed it.”

Molly smiled at me. “I really enjoyed it too.”

“So, what in the heck are we going to tell Chris? This is going to be weird.” I thought out loud.

“I don’t think Chris has to know.” Molly replied, looking off to my door.

I raised an eyebrow. “So what, we’re just going to keep us secret?”

“Well, maybe not secret secret, like it’s a scandal or something, but he doesn’t have to know that we fucked.” Molly replied flatly.

“Fucked? Just fucked?” I asked, worry beginning to cloud my voice.

“Uh oh.” Molly turned back to me. “Guess we should have talked about this before.”

“I thought… I thought you wanted me. I thought there was something.” I protested.

“Um… no, not really. I just wanted release, I just wanted something casual. You have made it clear you’re comfy with that. I thought I made it clear when I offered.”

I felt like yelling, or crying, or something, but that was just me in an emotionally intense moment. I instructed myself internally to be cool. “Nah, but that’s fine. I’m still down with this. You wanna continue or was this one-time?”

“I don’t know.” Molly replied. “You were good, don’t get me wrong. And respectful, that shows. Thank you.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome.”

“I don’t know what I want long-term. I just knew that would help. I appreciate that, thank you.”

“Yeah, I got you.” I replied a little too casually.

“I’ll let you know like tomorrow if I ever wanna keep this up. But for now, this is just sex. You’re cool with that, right? Let me know if you’re not, we can stop if need be.”

“No no, you’re good. Just needed to know how things were and all that.” I replied coolly.

“Alright, cool.” Molly replied, smiling slightly.

Not cool. Not cool at all. As if fate wasn’t kicking my ass already, it dawned on me in that moment just how little I was into casual sex anymore. I mean, I already broke it off with my other past flings, but that was a world I never wanted to return to, and yet at the same time, Molly’s world was one I wanted to return to so badly.

Now I was caught at an impasse. I was in Molly’s world again, and I couldn’t have wanted that more. But I was just her fuck buddy. Her glorified sex toy. And I knew that every second we’d spend like this, with us just using each other, was the last thing I wanted. Every second would just drive me insane. Karma, you’ve won. I got what I wanted for so long, to have consensual sex with Molly. And it’s made me hate my life all over again.

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Author’s Note: Hello, all! I hope you enjoyed the latest chapter of GBM. I tried some new things in this chapter and if things don’t make a lot of sense now, they will by the time the next chapter comes out, and I’m already at work on it.

Here it comes – the obligatory plug. As you all likely know, I have a Patreon, and while I’d love to dedicate more time to writing this, in my financial situation I sadly can’t, but the more the writing takes off on Patreon, the more I’ll be able to dedicate my time to writing. If you like these stories and want to get some cool perks (such as voting on what I write next and even getting a personalized character), hop over to patreon dot com slash BashfulScribe and check out if it’s for you. I’m planning on adding additional perks over the summer too so if you are a patron, look forward to that. If you’re not interested or can’t financially support me, no worries. My writing isn’t behind a paywall and I will always be happy to post my work to this site for free. I just wanna make sure I can afford rent and all that.

Once again, thank you so much for being a great community. I’ll be sure to read all comments below, positive and negative. Truly, you all remind me every day of why I keep writing and wanting to tell stories for people. Thank you for being my inspiration.

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