# 9 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.” # 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires. “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob.” “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.” #7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.” # 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?” # 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be to embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh…she got fired too.” # 4 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.” # 3 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.” # 2 A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown” The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. “What’s wrong?”. The small white guy says; “Excuse me but what did you say?”. The big black dude looks down and says “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.” The small white guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said ‘Turn around.'” # 1 There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.” “Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” “I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied,”My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!! Read 337362 times | Rated 86.8 % | (2817 votes) Vote list (Close) : Viper_222 : POSITIVE 6kittykat9 : POSITIVE k99rky : POSITIVE eastbo : POSITIVE eeeeeeee : POSITIVE 3210launch : POSITIVE FoxyLisaMarie : POSITIVE Greg Garrett : POSITIVE NKage : POSITIVE rosefirelite : POSITIVE Cheese Traveler : POSITIVE horny@5:00 : NEGATIVE orizx2 : POSITIVE Curzon : POSITIVE WetPussy100 : POSITIVE Anonymous72 : POSITIVE terraria321 : POSITIVE Bluesin69 : POSITIVE Mikey48 : POSITIVE bobuk2012 : POSITIVE pussyfuckking : POSITIVE Boldgo : POSITIVE Sweetcreekcowgirl : POSITIVE jerryr6 : POSITIVE NoPerks : POSITIVE Viewer1060 : POSITIVE Firehunter : POSITIVE emersonbosworth : POSITIVE crimsonskull : POSITIVE liNfu69Lover : POSITIVE wantingnot : POSITIVE IOnlyWish : POSITIVE Norty Oldman : POSITIVE teufelturm : POSITIVE mistyoptic : POSITIVE Dirty Samone : POSITIVE Wildman18 : POSITIVE Mikey82018 : POSITIVE himerosa : POSITIVE Silverpen69 : POSITIVE Please rate this text:    

When God created Man, he decided that Man would have 20 years of an active sex life. So he said to Adam, “You will have 20 good years to procreate, so go out into the world and multiply.” Adam acknowledged God’s commandment, bowed his head, and stood in the corner while God spoke to his other other living beings.
God said to the Monkey, “I grant to you a sex life of 20 years too.”
The monkey looked at God and said, “Us monkeys are very sexually active in the wild. Ten years would be plenty for us. Otherwise we might burn out.”
Adam overhearing this, said to God, “If the monkey only needs 10 years, why don’t you give Man his other ten?” God thought this over a moment and agreed and gave Man the monkey’s extra 10 years. Then God turned to the Lion.
“I give you the Lion 10 years to multiple and bring offspring into the world.”
The Lion looked up at God and said, “You know, God, us lions are quite lazy. We lie around a lot and aren’t very active much of the time. I think five years would be plenty for us.”
God thought this request over for a moment and agreed. Upon hearing this, Adam spoke up again and said, “Since the Lion doesn’t need his extra five years, why don’t you give these years to Man too?”
God agreed and gave Man another extra five years for his sexuality. Then he turned to the donkey. “Donkey! You’re a big animal with a long gestation period. I give you donkey 20 years to have sex and multiply.”
The donkey looked up at God and said, “God, us donkeys don’t get around too much. We probably only need one year for this.”
God shook his head in disbelief, but gave in and gave the donkey only one year to multiply. When Adam heard this he spoke up again. “Since the donkey doesn’t need his extra nineteen years, give them to me?” God agreed again to these requests and so it was proclaimed:
MAN HAS 20 YEARS OF GOOD SEX, 10 YEARS OF MONKEYING AROUND, 5 YEARS OF LYIN’, AND NINETEEN YEARS OF BEING A JACKASS!

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When God created Man, he decided that Man would have 20 years of an active sex life. So he said to Adam, “You will have 20 good years to procreate, so go out into the world and multiply.” Adam acknowledged God’s commandment, bowed his head, and stood in the corner while God spoke to his other other living beings.
God said to the Monkey, “I grant to you a sex life of 20 years too.”
The monkey looked at God and said, “Us monkeys are very sexually active in the wild. Ten years would be plenty for us. Otherwise we might burn out.”
Adam overhearing this, said to God, “If the monkey only needs 10 years, why don’t you give Man his other ten?” God thought this over a moment and agreed and gave Man the monkey’s extra 10 years. Then God turned to the Lion.
“I give you the Lion 10 years to multiple and bring offspring into the world.”
The Lion looked up at God and said, “You know, God, us lions are quite lazy. We lie around a lot and aren’t very active much of the time. I think five years would be plenty for us.”
God thought this request over for a moment and agreed. Upon hearing this, Adam spoke up again and said, “Since the Lion doesn’t need his extra five years, why don’t you give these years to Man too?”
God agreed and gave Man another extra five years for his sexuality. Then he turned to the donkey. “Donkey! You’re a big animal with a long gestation period. I give you donkey 20 years to have sex and multiply.”
The donkey looked up at God and said, “God, us donkeys don’t get around too much. We probably only need one year for this.”
God shook his head in disbelief, but gave in and gave the donkey only one year to multiply. When Adam heard this he spoke up again. “Since the donkey doesn’t need his extra nineteen years, give them to me?” God agreed again to these requests and so it was proclaimed:
MAN HAS 20 YEARS OF GOOD SEX, 10 YEARS OF MONKEYING AROUND, 5 YEARS OF LYIN’, AND NINETEEN YEARS OF BEING A JACKASS!

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There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.
Well, there weren’t too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out, for a price.
The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.
The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman’s breast.
Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.
One day, the woman realized that the man’s suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, “Is there anything else you’d like?”
The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, “Yeah, got any cookies?”

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Santa Claus arrives at a house and climbs down the chimney to find a beautiful blonde, laying on the bed. She looks at Santa and says, “Oh Santa I’m so horny will you please stay with me?”
Santa says, “Ho! Ho! Ho! You know I gotta go…got to deliver these gifts to the children.”
The beautiful blonde removes her shirt to reveal her gorgeous breasts, and she again says, “Oh please Santa, please stay with me. I’m so horny.”
Santa again says, “Ho! Ho! Ho! You know I gotta go…got to deliver these gifts to the children.”
The blonde feeling even more horny, takes her pants off. Now totally naked she says, “Please! Please! Santa stay with me I’m so horny.”
Santa looks at her beautiful naked body and says, “Hay! Hay! Hay! You know I’ve got to stay can’t get up that chimney with my dick this way.

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OLD COUPLE SETTING RECORD STRAIGHT
After being married for almost 50 years, this old couple decided to set the record straight about their marriage. Deciding they had nothing to fear about revealing secrets from their past anymore at this late stage in life, they both took turns asking each other about how faithful each had been in their marriage. The wife went first and asked her husband if he had ever cheated on her.
He replied, “Yes, but only once and it didn’t mean anything. I was on a business trip after we had been married for about seven years, met this attractive woman in a bar, and we spent the night together. But I never saw her again and it didn’t mean anything and that was the ONLY time I was ever unfaithful in our marriage. How about you? Did you ever cheat on me?”
His wife answered, “Yes.” Way back when we were trying to buy our first house and come up with a downpayment, I slept with this guy to help us get the extra money we needed.”
“Was that the ONLY time?” he asked.
“Well, not exactly,” she said. “About five years later when we were having trouble making payments on our new car, I slept with this guy so the bank wouldn’t come and repossess it.”
“I guess I understand why you did it,” her husband said, “But was that the last time?”
“Well, not exactly,” she replied. “Remember the time you ran for mayor and you needed about another 47 votes to win…….?”

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Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don’t look down.

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A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, “Mom I’ve got a problem.”
She says “Tell me.” He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are.
He says “well, pussy and bitch”.
She says “Oh That’s no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.”
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom and I don’t think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says “Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?”
He tells him…pussy and bitch.
Dad says “OK” and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “son, everything inside this circle, is pussy.”
“OK dad, so what’s a bitch?”
“Son” he says, “everything outside that circle.”

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Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

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An old couple in their 80’s went out to dinner to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary and ended up at the same restaurant they ate at while beginning their honeymoon. The old man takes a look outside the restaurant window and says to his wife, “remember that fence across the street? After we ate our dinner 60 years ago, I took you outside, placed your body across that fence, raised up your dress and made love to you from behind like there was no stopping me.”
“Why yes, I sort of remember,” his wife replied sheepishly, embarrassed at recalling this incident and amazed that the two of them were so indiscreet as to take such a reckless gamble out in public like this.
“Well how about you and me try it again then,” the husband suggested. “Let’s see if we can recapture the thrill and excitement of our wedding night.”
His wife was very reluctant but sensed that she could make her husband very happy on their anniversary, so she agreed to it. So after dinner they went outside, crossed the street to the fence. Her husband got behind her while she spread her legs with body propped partially over the fence. The old man took his place behind her and proceeded to ravish her body with abandon making love to her like he was a teenager again. He banged her for at least 20 minutes and when they finished, they both collapsed on the ground right on the spot.
A policeman on foot patrol happened to be walking by and had observed the couple engaged in this rigorous display of sexuality and when they had finished, he proceeded right to the scene. He went over to the couple as they lay on the ground and said, “I saw what you were doing and I will have to write you both up for indecent exposure and fornicating in a public place. Do you have anything to say for yourself before I give you the ticket?”
“Yes, officer,” says the old man, “you don’t understand. My wife and I are celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary tonight. Just a moment ago, we had dinner over there at that restaurant, the same one we ate at on the first day of our honeymoon. Then we came over here to make love exactly the same way we did back then too. Please don’t give us a ticket. It would be too embarrassing for us both and we didn’t mean any harm by it.”
The policeman is sympathetic to the old couple and decides not to give them any tickets but is still scratching his head over what he observed and learned from the old man and exclaims, “Boy from what I observed, the two of you must have really been something way back 60 years ago.”
“Yeah we were, and 60 years ago there wasn’t an electric fence here either,” the old man responds back.

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One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom. The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says “If these were firmer you wouldn’t need a bra.” The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.
The next week the two are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says “If your ass was firmer you wouldn’t need a girdle.”
The wife is now pissed and is plotting her revenge.
One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says “If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn’t need your brother.”

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Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”
She turned, smiled, and said,
“Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
“What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really,” he said. “What myths are
those?”
“Well,” she explained. “One popular
myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed, when in
fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.” “Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.
We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly, the woman became a little
uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry”, she said. “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

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Q. What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.

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A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache.
The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party.
When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test.
She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him.
Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he’d had fun. He told her he hadn’t.
After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker.
He added, “The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!”

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An old couple in their 80’s went out to dinner to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary and ended up at the same restaurant they ate at while beginning their honeymoon. The old man takes a look outside the restaurant window and says to his wife, “remember that fence across the street? After we ate our dinner 60 years ago, I took you outside, placed your body across that fence, raised up your dress and made love to you from behind like there was no stopping me.”
“Why yes, I sort of remember,” his wife replied sheepishly, embarrassed at recalling this incident and amazed that the two of them were so indiscreet as to take such a reckless gamble out in public like this.
“Well how about you and me try it again then,” the husband suggested. “Let’s see if we can recapture the thrill and excitement of our wedding night.”
His wife was very reluctant but sensed that she could make her husband very happy on their anniversary, so she agreed to it. So after dinner they went outside, crossed the street to the fence. Her husband got behind her while she spread her legs with body propped partially over the fence. The old man took his place behind her and proceeded to ravish her body with abandon making love to her like he was a teenager again. He banged her for at least 20 minutes and when they finished, they both collapsed on the ground right on the spot.
A policeman on foot patrol happened to be walking by and had observed the couple engaged in this rigorous display of sexuality and when they had finished, he proceeded right to the scene. He went over to the couple as they lay on the ground and said, “I saw what you were doing and I will have to write you both up for indecent exposure and fornicating in a public place. Do you have anything to say for yourself before I give you the ticket?”
“Yes, officer,” says the old man, “you don’t understand. My wife and I are celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary tonight. Just a moment ago, we had dinner over there at that restaurant, the same one we ate at on the first day of our honeymoon. Then we came over here to make love exactly the same way we did back then too. Please don’t give us a ticket. It would be too embarrassing for us both and we didn’t mean any harm by it.”
The policeman is sympathetic to the old couple and decides not to give them any tickets but is still scratching his head over what he observed and learned from the old man and exclaims, “Boy from what I observed, the two of you must have really been something way back 60 years ago.”
“Yeah we were, and 60 years ago there wasn’t an electric fence here either,” the old man responds back.

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One dark stormy night a boy walked into his parents room, scared.
“Mummy! Daddy! Its scary in my room!” He screamed
” Its ok hun, come into bed with us” His parents said back to him.
The boy smiled and jump into his parents bed, after a while he woke up again by the lightning and found something.
” MUMMY! Whats THAT?!” He Screamed again. Mummies eyes widened.
“Thats Daddys sn-snake” she said.
Again the storm woke up the boy and he found something.
” Daddy.. Daddy what are those?” he asked more calmer this time.
” Urr..Urrmmm Those are.. Mummy head-lights ” He answered
Again the storm woke up the boy and he found something.
“Mummy Daddy! Whats THAT!?” He screamed.
” Thats her B-Bush” They both answered
Again the storm woke up the boy and he found Mummy and Daddy doing something.
” MUMMY TURN ON YOUR HEAD LIGHTS! THE SNAKE IS ENTERING THE BUSH!” He scream

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Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!

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A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.
The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.
The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine’s and three condoms.
Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.
The guy said, “I’ll take it,” and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine’s and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise.
The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, “Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?”

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a little bit of humor to start off…

an amazin afternoon

This gynecologist gets a surprise from a patient.

A joke I once heard

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn’t stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
“So, how much have you earned today?” the husband asked.
“Well”, the woman responded, “I’ve made one hundred dollars and fifty cents.”
“That’s strange”, the husband responded, “who gave you the fifty cents?”
Said the woman: “All of them, of course!”

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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”
“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.

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A guy is on a business trip to Amsterdam. One night he visits a brothel and spends half an hour drinking at the bar while he weighs up the goods. After he’s turned away quite a few offers from the girls he deems that it’s time to talk to the madam.
He says “I’ve looked at your girls and had some really interesting offers but can’t see what I’m looking for tonight, maybe you can advise me.”
The madam replies “Whatever sir wants I feel sure we can be of service.”
So the guy says “ What I’m really looking for is a fat girl with big soft saggy tits and a cunt like a ripped out fireplace.”
The madam replies “Ah, I think that sir is feeling kinky, yes?”
The guy answers “No, just homesick”.

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A little boy and hsi dad are walking down the street and they see two dogs fucking. The little boy asks his father, “Daddy what are they doing?” , They’re trying to make puppies the father replies.
Later that night watching animal planet with his son, they see two lions fucking, they little bay asks his father , “Daddy what are they doing?” They’re trying to make kittens the father replies.
The little boy walks into his parents room around 1;30 in the morning and sse’s his parents fucking and says “Daddy what are you doing?” “We’re trying to make you a little brother or sister”, the father replies
“Turn her over I want a puppy”, the little boy blurts out

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: POSITIVEHOM1954
: POSITIVEnoajoke
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: POSITIVEWimmers
: NEGATIVE

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